Meeting Aunt Alma

I went to a birthday party today. A woman I now know as Aunt Alma celebrated 101 years old. Yes, you read that right -- 101! I can' t even fathom really.

To start, if someone hadn't told me Aunt Alma is 101, I would never have believed it. She is sharp as a tack, and other than her failing eyes, she's in great shape.

In the 30's (as in 1930's), she was a singing telegram girl for Western Union and sang to the troops during WWII.

One hundred and one years provides a breadth of perspective that most of us will most likely never have. Of course, one as to ask for her secret. Well, after honoring us with her rendition of "Happy Birthday," Aunt Alma told us her secret. What is it? What magic words for health and long life does she have to impart?

"Don't hate." Those were her words of wisdom for us. "You don't have to like everybody but don't hate anybody." She said, "It changes you inside, and it shows on your face."

I think she's on to something.

May we all learn to love more and banish hate from our hearts. And may Aunt Alma grace us with her presence again next year to celebrate birthday number 102.

Here's to you, Aunt Alma. You are an inspiration. God bless your beautiful heart.

Soul food

This is a quote from J. Ruth Gendler's book Notes on the Need for Beauty:

"The eyes feed the mind. Sometimes we try so hard to "change our minds," to not think certain thoughts. One of the most overlooked ways to change one's mind is to attend to what one looks at, to practice feeding one's eyes. To "change your mind," to interrupt anxiety or the practice gratitude or notice more beauty, pay attention to what your are literally looking at. Is it feeding the part of you that wants to be fed?"

Anyone who's ever searched their soul to find answers about themselves has thought about how they can change they way they look at the world in order to change themselves. The good news is they're looking in the right place. We really only have control over a tiny part of this world. We may influence more, but the fastest way to affect any change is to look in yourself first. Find ways you can change and see how that changes the world around you. Gendler makes an excellent point above that what we literally see has a profound effect on us. How we see plays just as big a role.

I went to art school, and for the first couple of years, we learned techniques and skills and history. We essentially learned the trades and laid the foundation for what we would need to become artists. A huge part of that foundation included retraining our minds and eyes to really see what's in front of us instead of what we THINK we see. Various medium (painting, drawing, printmaking, sculpture) teach different kinds of sight, and each artists responds to each differently. For me it was drawing. In Notes on the Need for Beauty, Gendler says, "Drawing becomes an act of regard, respect, reverence." It takes true observance to draw what's real, and the better I got at drawing was really a product of better sight.

I don't have the space to draw the way I did in school, but I've found photography to be an effective extension of the lessons I learned drawing. With digital cameras, there is not need to fuss over what kind of film or running out. I love that I can snap to my heart's content until I get the shot that speaks to me. Later I can continue to explore by playing with the image in Photoshop. It's not as tactile as printing, but the added flexibility is amazing.

Two friends and I have taken photo safaris lately as I mentioned in an earlier post. Now, I'll talk about God here, but it's important to note that I'm not talking about the gray-bearded guy from the Bible. I use the name God out of familiarity to describe whatever the great power of the universe. I look at pictures of flowers and fruits and vegetables and marvel at the shapes and colors and textures. I look at brightly colored shoes and rugs or the way light plays on a bridge or through a tree's leaves. My knowledge of the world intersects with my love for the world. It all sets afire a sense of wonder at the beauty out there to be seen, and during that time of observance, of reverence, I'm immersed in that beauty, and my soul feeds.

Not everyone has to go to art school to learn all this. One of my photo safari friends is not quite 13 years old, and her natural, undeveloped eye catches images that only a young person can see. Her perspective is pure, and it shows in every shot. Thankfully, I am influenced by that when I'm with her. Again from Gendler, "My friends, with their vision and their language, enlarge my world, help me see beauty, give me my eyes."

Back to my original point about changing yourself first, there are two things I've found to be the greatest catalysts for changing my own mind. The first is self awareness, or more directly, learning to really see who we are and who we are not. Remember how I said we only have control over a small part of the world? Until we really understand ourselves, we can pretty much kiss goodbye any chance we have of controlling even that. By being self aware we can act with purpose instead of reacting, and that's the second thing I've found to be a great catalyst for change: being purposeful.

In other posts, I've talked about strengths or talents and how learning to use them is important to me. This is why. Knowing more about my natural tendencies and what they mean helps me choose my actions and control my reactions in ways that are better for me. The changes in me produced by this self awareness have had a significant effect on the world around me. I believe (and this is not an original thought) that we are happiest when we are doing what comes most naturally to us. When we are using our strengths in positive ways, we are at greater peace with ourselves and that extends to the world.

I read a blog post earlier today where the person is trying to understand the reason he does things and why he can't find happiness. (Read it for yourself at livethedharma.com.) I can't say how long I've been trying to do the same thing, and in my attempts I've looked at some of the same philosophies, like Buddhism. At first I couldn't quite understand the Buddhist teachings that talk about letting go and not being attached to things. It seemed like the ultimate goal was becoming numb or inhuman, but pulling back from all that and looking at the middle way from a wider perspective, it's easier for me to understand and for me to reconcile with other beliefs.

The middle way is really about balance and acceptance. I think of the serenity prayer ... Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Serenity without courage is apathy. Courage without serenity is stubbornness. Without wisdom, you have futility.

What I cannot change about myself at this point are my natural strengths. These things come naturally to me because of synaptic connections in my brain and Lord knows what other complex programming hardwired into me by my maker. I have to accept these things, study them and use them more effectively in my life to create happiness and peace. Conversely, I have to accept the talents I do not have, study them and find ways to manage around them with the tools I do have. Both are required to achieve balance, and both require really learning to see.

I'll close with one final thought from Notes on the Need for Beauty:
"Through attention and study, empathy and imagination, we appreciate how partial our seeing is, how many other ways there are to see, how much beauty we see, and how much beauty we don't see."

I'm just not that kinda gal

I don't like horror movies. Never have. And I've seen enough to know I'm not making any assumptions or judging too quickly. I love action and even suspense movies, but the horror genre, particularly the slasher flick, is lost on me. Unfortunately, I married a die-hard fan of all things creepy, scary, twisted and gross.

I often tell my husband he is the luckiest man in the world. I don't nag or tell him what to do. I always let him drive and have the remote. Hell, I love football more than he does, and I either like or at least don't mind any other sport. His affection for horror movies is the only one I don't share or at least tolerate. I love my husband, and I love being a part of things that excite him. Rob Zombie movies, most recently the Halloween remakes, have him giddy as a school boy.

When I was in high school Halloween 5 came out. I'd never liked Freddy or Jason movies, but everyone got all excited about this new movie, so I figured I'd give it a try. Michael Myers as a character isn't quite like the other two anyway. Before seeing #5, my best friend and I watched the first four Halloween movies in order over a weekend with our boyfriends. That's when I realized that other horror movies had never really scared me. I'd been more grossed out and startled more than anything.

Michael Myers, on the other hand, scared the ever-living shit out of me, and he still does.

There is no other way to put it. Something about the white mask and the coveralls and the steady way he unceasingly stalked through the movie silently was by far the scariest thing I'd ever seen. The weekend after seeing #5, I had to babysit of course! My boyfriend, who was a typical teenage boy (jackass), thought it would be hysterical to come scare me. He brought my best friend's boyfriend, and they scratched the windows behind me while I watched TV. I stayed calm, but quickly put the kids to be and proceeded to turn on every light inside and outside the house. The doors were already locked, and once I was sure nothing was inside the house, I calmed down. Piece of cake.

Then, they tapped on the door thinking they'd jump out from behind the bushes to scare me when I opened it. What they didn't know is my mother has raised me to NEVER open a door without looking out a window to see who's there. Forget the peep hole.I ended up being the one giving the scare when I opened the door and yelled for them to get up immediately or I was was coming out after them. Ha!

I saw the first remake of Halloween last year with my husband and was actually a bit disappointed. This new movie was pretty good in terms of story, but Zombie gave Myers more of a back story. With the increased depth to the character, he wasn't scary any more. I actually felt sorry for him. Someone must have told Mr. Zombie how I felt about his take on Myers, because he certainly went out of his way to rectify the situation in this second remake.

Hubby couldn't wait to see the movie, but he also knows if he wants more than a snowball's chance in hell to get me to the theater for this event, it had better be daylight. Thus, at 9:30AM today, we sat at the AMC theater in Tysons Corner for the nearly empty showing.

I made a couple of mistakes here, besides the obvious of going in the first place. While morning movies avoid crowds and are cheaper, it's best to stick with movies that are less jarring to the senses. This was too much volume too early. It was also a bit more graphic detail than expected or wanted first thing, especially if you'd like to keep your breakfast down.

The movie itself was fine. As an artist, I can appreciate others' art even if it's not my taste. The story was nothing like the original, but like the first remake, it had more of a story than I remember from the original. Really nice twist near the end. The cinematography was incredible. It really added to the movie. The special effects were very realistic -- not sure that really helped MY viewing experience. The soundtrack was good. The sound effects were more realistic that he visual effects though, and I definitely didn't need that.

The grand total? If you like slasher flicks, you'll love this movie. It's not just brainless killing of anything that walks by, but you'll definitely dig the squish, crunch and blood factor. Want proof? I've been home more than an hour. I've still got a headache, was barely able to eat a piece of toast due to nausea and probably won't sleep well for a week. Not sure what more of a pedigree a horror movie could want.

I'm just not the horror movie kinda gal. My husband will have to live with me wanting to watch the NFL draft and play fantasy football. I love that man more than anything in the world, but for the next one, he's on his own.

If reading was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

Exercising your mind should have positive effects on your body. When I was a kid, I was all about being outside and running around and doing something physical. As I've aged, I've become more intellectual than physical. I'm a voracious reader. I'm reading 5 books right now. If that qualified as exercise, I'd be in the best shape. Right now, I can run a mental marathon, and I'd be able to run a real one!

Thought for the day and one of my favorite quotes

"Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with power-trippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep, and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to. When she walks, it is clear she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she was stern were not lying, they just forgot to mention she was kind."

-J. Ruth Gendler

If you have not read Gendler's work, I highly recommend:
The Book of Qualities
Notes on the Need for Beauty

Always learning ...

I've been on a search to better understand myself and what makes me tick for most of my life. Even as a kid, I wanted to understand what I was and how that compared to others. I knew I was different, and it took quite a while for me to decide that was OK and in some ways it was really a good thing. I've never stopped wanting to know more though, and I've gotten to a level of detail now that I feel like I'm on the cusp of the next evolution of who I am to become in this life. I can almost feel the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

I had the most fabulous conversation with a Gallup Strengths Coach, Darrell. As a part of our company's training, we all found out our top five talents as I've talked about before. Today, we talked a bit more about those top 5 and then got into how they interact with each other and how I unknowingly use one to balance another at times. Finding ways to make things work together to maximize the whole is a huge part of what I do everyday at work. It's satisfying work, and applying those same principles to myself and my development is all the more so.

Darrell pointed out one of a person's top talents usually will cause some trouble for them. Responsibility is the troublemaker for me. I tend to take on too much responsibility. Not necessarily meaning too many tasks, but the degree to which I feel responsible for things can be a bit extreme. It's been the single biggest source of stress in my entire life. I've definitely had to learn to establish boundaries, and my Strategic theme helps balance it. I've found creative ways, using Strategic, to allow myself to trust others and let go in places that make sense.

We talked more about Strategic, too. I've had to learn also to accept that my brain is wired a bit differently than most people. I think about possibilities, and I see the potential for barriers on the horizon before others 99% of the time. By the time others see the coming pothole, I'm working on or already have a solution. If I allow myself to be impatient I end up either frustrated or rushing others to catch up. Neither is productive, and if I rush to point out pitfalls to others, it can come across as negative. That's far from what I really am. Like I said, I think about possibilities ... a lot.

Every strength has an upside and a downside. It's a matter of how the strength is used. It's imperative, if any of this information is to be useful, to become more self aware and purposeful in our actions. Responsibility has the potential to be an issue for me, and Strategic can come off the wrong way. So how to I manage each to make them true strengths and not barriers to success?

The really interesting part of my conversation with Darrell came with learning more about talents number six (Command) and seven (Restorative). They certainly rounded out the collection and explained a few more things. Simply put, Command leads a person to take charge, and Restorative is a love of solving problems. Turns out that Command helps drives my Strategic talent and helps ground Responsibility. Restorative completes Strategic and makes great use of Input.

Some additional insight I learned today has to do with the three of my top five that are more drivers than than the other two. Strategic, Responsibility and Achiever all drive me to certain behaviors. Input and Learner support or enhance the actions I take. The three drivers all have one thing in common -- freedom. I like the freedom to think big thoughts and develop ideas. Being hemmed in intellectually frustrates and exhausts me. I also like the freedom to accept Responsibility for things that matter to me. Finally, I like the freedom to work in a way that allows me to accomplish things and mark them off my to-do list. This desire to be free in these ways plays a role in why I am or am not satisfied in whatever I undertake.

I believe that we are each a sum our our parts, that is our strengths and weakness and experiences. All of these themes are a part of me, and they all work together to balance each other, heighten each other and manage each other. The key is being aware of them and learning to use them all to their full capacity. Who knows where my next adventure will take me, but learning more about myself, what drives me, what satisfies me and what completes me can only make me better at anything I undertake.

I know that feeling

I am a kite ready to fly.
Tether is ready.
Roll out the line.
Lift, tension and drag,
Force me into the wind.
Aerial ballet.
Please don't reel me in.



I've always given freely of myself and with few, if any limits. I've heard more than once that I go too far and need to set boundaries on what I'm willing to give of myself. I know in theory this is fact, but it's something I've struggled to do. I can never seem to give enough, even to the point that I forget to leave something for me.

Today, something made me think of flying a kite, and a whole new image came to mind that finally made me see what I might be missing by giving so much. I'll never stop giving, but this new image gave me new reason for reevaluating how much I give and the need for balance.

The structure of a kite is both strong and flexible. One without the other won't fly. As free and floating as the kite seems in the air, it's only because of the tension in the line that the kite will get into the air at all. It's all about balance.

I thought more about the physics of flying a kite, and a metaphor was born. Life runs along trying to create the necessary opposing forces of drag and lift that allow and maintain flight. The more string I let out the faster life has to run to create the tension needed for me to fly. By giving in a more controlled and balanced way, I allow life to move at a more sustainable rate while I soar.

Here's to compassion. Here's to heart. Here's to giving ... but only a part.