34 Christmases

For 33 straight Christmases, I woke up in my mother's house. We'd wake up, have our picture taken on the stairs and run into the living room to see what Santa brought us. Even as a grown adult, Santa came every year. This year, SnowpocalypseDC and the resulting 2 feet of snow got in the way of Christmas #34.

It didn't seem like 'Mas at first. We got a tree and some decorations a few days before 'Mas, and I started to get in the mood. I took the entire week of 'Mas off from work, and the time off was much needed. During that week, my sister and I figured out how to use Google's video chat. 'Mas morning we slept in. We made a big breakfast with mimosas -- a 'Mas morning tradition in our house growing up. Then, we got the computer hooked up and I got to see my family and talk to them. It wasn't the same, but it was nice.

Later in the day, as my sister and the rest of the family made their way through the relatives, the laptop went too, and I got to talk to my grandparents and other family. In between, I took a nap -- a Christmas miracle that's never happened before!

Hubby and I hung out with the BoyBoy, opened gifts and relaxed. It was possibly the nicest Christmas I've ever spent. I've been told though, by my mother, it better not happen again, we'd better be home next Christmas!

Lessons from a movie: Take 1

"You've always had the power ..."
- Glinda the Good Witch of the North
The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Rarely can anyone tell you this because as Glinda also says, you have to "learn it for yourself."

Don't worry. I won't say I told you so.

Mind over cancer

My FIL started chemo week before last. He gets 3 days out of every 2 weeks. His regiment is called "Fox 5," which sounds more like a news station than a cancer treatment. Anyway, before his second treatment that started this week, his doc did blood work to measure his CEA levels (basically measures how much cancer is there). In one chemo treatment, FIL's levels fell from 130+ to just above 90! I big reduction that clearly shows the chemo is working.

The doc said he was proud of my FIL and that his attitude has a lot to do with these results. I've said more than once that I feel sure FIL in more stubborn than cancer. Mind over matter, in this case cancer!

Exclusive scene from Avatar

Found this scene from the crazy-cool new movie Avatar. Can't wait to see it!

I feel like a teenager again

I'd love to say, "I feel like a teenager," because I'm feeling young or energized or some other reason. The truth is I feel gawky, awkward, out of balance, unsure. It's like my arms and legs are too long. I'm uncoordinated. My mind can't quite gain control over my limbs, my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions or my frustration.

I'm trying to look at this period as one of growth. That's most of the reason we were all so crazed at teenagers; we were growing and developing so quickly. I'm hoping that I'm on the verge of taking the next, however painful, steps in my evolution.

In the meantime, I find myself reacting in ways I know I don't want to, but can't stop. I want to be calm and graceful in my communication and actions and thoughts, but I'm screaming and thrashing around like a wild woman. I can't find my center, that part of me that slows my reaction and quickens my perception, that part of my mind that sees so clearly and so far that everything coming at me seems to be in slow motion, giving me the time and presence of mind to choose more wisely.

I found a way to get comfortable in my own skin several years ago. I found answers of self and mind and spirit that sooth my soul. I'm no longer afraid of what others think of me. I understand perception and know it's necessary to manage it from time to time, but all in all, I'm me. Most importantly, I'm OK with who I am. I'm smart. I'm compassionate. I'm goofy and often clumsy. I understand highly complex concepts and remain baffled by some of the simplest. I have a strange sense of humor. I'm fearless in as many things as I can manage. I don't have all the answers, but I know how to find as many as I can and make the most of them. I'll figure it out, whatever it is. Being comfortable in all this has given me confidence that seems to intimidate others at times, a thought that I find absolutely laughable! How could anyone be intimidated by my goofy ass!?

In my own skin, I'm doing great. It's in the rest of the world I'm uncomfortable and can't seem to get anything right. I'm being taken in ways I don't intend, and what's worse is I can't figure out where the wires got crossed! What is going on? I feel like an alien walking in a strange land, and it's a cramped, suffocating place.

Maybe I'm a plant that's outgrown it's pot. Maybe my pot has finally cracked. Whatever the case, I have faith I'll work it out. I'll find the next set of answers that I need, the next place where I'll thrive. I just hope I get it done before I drive myself (and everyone else) crazy.

Here we go

My father-in-law, from here on known as "FIL," had part of his colon removed four years ago because of colon cancer. It was inconvenient and unpleasant, but there was no chemo or other treatment that made his experience cancer. Not to trivialize, but it wouldn't be unlike having your appendix removed. Not that cancer is ever good, but to say FIL got lucky would be an understatement.

With a family history fraught with various types of cancer, unhealthy diet and exercise habits and weight issues, FIL should have been standing in line for his first colonoscopy when he turned 50, the age at which the average person should start getting colon screenings. Actually with the mitigating factors in his health history, he should have been getting them earlier to be on the safe side.

FIL was 61 years old when he got his first colonoscopy -- 11 years past the recommended age. As you should assume from the first sentence here, the tests didn't come up empty. Since then, FIL has been checked regularly for any recurrence of the cancer, and we found out last week his most recent tests didn't come up empty either. This time, we're looking at a much different situation: Stage 4 colon cancer that has metastasized to his liver.

This time, we're really going to see what cancer is really about. As a friend who is a cancer survivor said to me upon the news, we've woken up to our "worst nightmare." Tomorrow, FIL gets a port put in for his chemo. Monday, we're meeting him in North Carolina for an appointment with an oncologist at Duke for a second opinion. I'm not sure any of us have really digested this news, really come to understand the depth to which we and our lives are about to change. Coping mechanisms seem to be fully engaged.

Right now, we're all still in the driveway, packing for the road ahead, doing what we think will make this a more comfortable ride. We're stressed and worried and emotionally drained, and we're not even in the car yet. My feeling is that Monday will change things, push us into a new phase of our journey, shed new light on the reality we face. In the meantime, we hope; we pray; we believe in the power of medicine to heal and the human spirit to overcome. We do the things that come Tuesday morning might be more difficult, but will be all the more important.

On a related note, my husband had his first colonoscopy two weeks before we got the news about his dad. The doc removed a benign polyp and will watch him carefully, but he is healthy and plans to do whatever is necessary to stay that way. I didn't even have to prompt him, and he's only 31.

Lesson learned.

10 things I know

1. The most comfy place to take a rest in Tysons Corner Center is the chairs in Brooks Brothers.
2. I'm a Twitter addict.
3. Carlyle Grande in Shirlington has the best French toast on the planet.
4. There is no football like University of Tennessee football.
5. Chic-fil-a chicken minis should be served all day.
6. I can learn anything from a book.
7. I'll probably be the last person in the world to get a Google wave invite, and I REALLY want one!
8. Giving up red meat 5 years ago is one of the smartest things I've ever done.
9. My favorite things in the world to buy are books. I have a million.
10. The interconnectedness of the universe is astounding.

Get this on your radar!

I could not be more excited about this movie. Great cast, great story.



From the producers of two of my favorite movies, Four Weddings and a Funeral and Love Actually. Yes, I have a thing for British humor -- and Hugh Grant. (He's not in this new one though.)

I love Mayonaise, but I hate mayonnaise.

It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin. I was awkward. Well, I still can be, but the difference is I don't care anymore. I embrace it as a part of who I am. There was a time though when I couldn't, and there were times when I was so frustrated I wanted to scream.

The first time I ever heard "Mayonaise" by Smashing Pumpkins, I fell in love. I felt like someone had looked inside my heart and understood. The melody is cathartic. Distortion punctuates the darkness of the driving base line, and the words couldn't be more on target: Can anybody hear me, I just want to be me, when I can, I will.

I was awkward and misunderstood as a kid. I was beyond my age as a teenager. I was angry and frustrated in my early 20's. I could have turned out awkward and bitter, too many people around me were on that road, but I knew somewhere deep down, that I'd find a time and place where I could be me, when I could be extraordinary. I never lost faith in that. I'm still goofy, most of the time clumsy. I'm also unafraid, unapologetic in my pursuit of being the best me I can. A lot of people still don't understand me. I admit there are many things about me that don't make sense, but most people don't seem to hold that against me. The best part is I know I've only scratched the surface of the amazing things I'm capable of. There is so much more to come.

One minute I'm an artist drawing or taking pictures, the next I'm reading the Basics of Quantum Theory or writing code.  My thirst for knowledge is matched by my need to accomplish. It drives me and gives me stamina. I hit a new stride when I moved to DC and started with my current company. For a kid with asthma, I've run quite a race. And I feel a second wind coming on.

I mean none of this in a haughty, condescending way. Knowledge and accomplishment mean nothing to me if  I can't put those talents to good use and for a good cause. I've put my talents toward building a local community for my alumni association and loyalty to the university amongst young alumni at a national level. I got behind my friend's campaign to help the homeless and built her a platform to share her experience and recruit others. There are so many things bigger than me that I can contribute to in a meaningful way. I'm driven as much as to give as I am to do anything.

My next great challenge is figuring out how I'm going to change the world.

Saddest thing I've heard all day

My department head came over to tell me he was going to leave at 4:30pm, so he could take his son to soccer practice. Keep in mind this man comes to work at 7am every day, eats lunch at his desk and never really gets a day off. He hasn't been on the road this week because of budget meetings and whatnot, so he's helped his wife by taking their son to soccer and even got to catch a game yesterday.

Well, this morning his son asked, "Daddy, is everything OK? You're not getting fired are you?"

My boss told him he didn't think so and asked why the question came up. His son said the saddest thing I've heard all day.

"Well, you never get to see me play soccer, and I was afraid you'd gotten fired."

Bless his little heart.

Keep the magic in the midnight sun

I'll start this by saying that I know this isn't what this song means. Sometimes it doesn't matter what all the words say or what the really mean. Some part of a song will speak to me, bring an image to mind that transcends the song itself and tells a story of the soul. Dustland Fairytale by The Killers became an instant favorite of mine. It's a beautiful tribute to Brandon Flowers' mother who has cancer.

The metaphor of Cinderella holds more.

The image of the beautiful fairytale princess is one of hope. She is a kind and compassionate character. From the first time you meet her, you suspect she deserves far more than what she has. Cinderella is a fairytale we all need to believe in at some point. She's worked hard, been good. We need to see her sparkling and dancing with Prince Charming.

In the song, the party is over, and Cinderella is getting ready for bed. Meanwhile, the Devil is suiting up for a fight. He's ready to come out when Cinderella goes to sleep. Without Cinderella, the land becomes desolate. No wind, no bells, no birds. Without Cinderella, the good girl, the world becomes a place where the good girls die.

Hope exists, compassion and kindness exist because Cinderella exists. She is what makes them possible. We need her, and the end of the song is our pleading for her to stay awake, stay in per party clothes. Keep the magic in the midnight sun.

We all need hope, kindness and compassion, but just like they only exist in the fairytale because Cinderella brings them to life, they will only exist in our tale if we bring them to life.

We all must hope. We must be kind. We must show compassion. Or they will all disappear to the land of fairytales.

---

A Dustland Fairytale beginning
Just another white trash county kiss
In '61, long brown hair, foolish eyes

He looks just like you'd want him to
Some kind of slick chrome American Prince
A bluejean serenade, and moon river, what you do to me
I don't believe you

Saw Cinderella in a party dress
But she was looking for a nightgown
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands
He's getting ready for the showdown
I saw the minute that I turned away
I got my money on a palm tonight

Change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire
She says she always knew he'd come around
And the decades disappear like sinking ships
But we persevere, God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know

The mind is poison
Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
Drawbridges closing

Saw Cinderella in a party dress
But she was looking for a nightgown
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands
He's getting ready for the showdown
I saw the ending where they turned the page
I took my money and I ran away
Straight to the valley of the great divide

Out where the dreams are high
Out here, the wind don't blow
Out here, the good girls die
And the sky won't snow
Out here, the birds don't sing
Out here, the fields don't grow
Out here, the bell don't ring
Out here, the bell don't ring

Out here, the good girls die

Now Cinderella, don't you go to sleep
It's such a bitter form of refuge
Oh don't you know, the kingdom's under siege
And everybody needs you
Is there still magic in the midnight sun
Or did you leave it back in 61?
In the cadence of a young man's eyes
I wouldn't dream so high

Meeting Aunt Alma

I went to a birthday party today. A woman I now know as Aunt Alma celebrated 101 years old. Yes, you read that right -- 101! I can' t even fathom really.

To start, if someone hadn't told me Aunt Alma is 101, I would never have believed it. She is sharp as a tack, and other than her failing eyes, she's in great shape.

In the 30's (as in 1930's), she was a singing telegram girl for Western Union and sang to the troops during WWII.

One hundred and one years provides a breadth of perspective that most of us will most likely never have. Of course, one as to ask for her secret. Well, after honoring us with her rendition of "Happy Birthday," Aunt Alma told us her secret. What is it? What magic words for health and long life does she have to impart?

"Don't hate." Those were her words of wisdom for us. "You don't have to like everybody but don't hate anybody." She said, "It changes you inside, and it shows on your face."

I think she's on to something.

May we all learn to love more and banish hate from our hearts. And may Aunt Alma grace us with her presence again next year to celebrate birthday number 102.

Here's to you, Aunt Alma. You are an inspiration. God bless your beautiful heart.

Soul food

This is a quote from J. Ruth Gendler's book Notes on the Need for Beauty:

"The eyes feed the mind. Sometimes we try so hard to "change our minds," to not think certain thoughts. One of the most overlooked ways to change one's mind is to attend to what one looks at, to practice feeding one's eyes. To "change your mind," to interrupt anxiety or the practice gratitude or notice more beauty, pay attention to what your are literally looking at. Is it feeding the part of you that wants to be fed?"

Anyone who's ever searched their soul to find answers about themselves has thought about how they can change they way they look at the world in order to change themselves. The good news is they're looking in the right place. We really only have control over a tiny part of this world. We may influence more, but the fastest way to affect any change is to look in yourself first. Find ways you can change and see how that changes the world around you. Gendler makes an excellent point above that what we literally see has a profound effect on us. How we see plays just as big a role.

I went to art school, and for the first couple of years, we learned techniques and skills and history. We essentially learned the trades and laid the foundation for what we would need to become artists. A huge part of that foundation included retraining our minds and eyes to really see what's in front of us instead of what we THINK we see. Various medium (painting, drawing, printmaking, sculpture) teach different kinds of sight, and each artists responds to each differently. For me it was drawing. In Notes on the Need for Beauty, Gendler says, "Drawing becomes an act of regard, respect, reverence." It takes true observance to draw what's real, and the better I got at drawing was really a product of better sight.

I don't have the space to draw the way I did in school, but I've found photography to be an effective extension of the lessons I learned drawing. With digital cameras, there is not need to fuss over what kind of film or running out. I love that I can snap to my heart's content until I get the shot that speaks to me. Later I can continue to explore by playing with the image in Photoshop. It's not as tactile as printing, but the added flexibility is amazing.

Two friends and I have taken photo safaris lately as I mentioned in an earlier post. Now, I'll talk about God here, but it's important to note that I'm not talking about the gray-bearded guy from the Bible. I use the name God out of familiarity to describe whatever the great power of the universe. I look at pictures of flowers and fruits and vegetables and marvel at the shapes and colors and textures. I look at brightly colored shoes and rugs or the way light plays on a bridge or through a tree's leaves. My knowledge of the world intersects with my love for the world. It all sets afire a sense of wonder at the beauty out there to be seen, and during that time of observance, of reverence, I'm immersed in that beauty, and my soul feeds.

Not everyone has to go to art school to learn all this. One of my photo safari friends is not quite 13 years old, and her natural, undeveloped eye catches images that only a young person can see. Her perspective is pure, and it shows in every shot. Thankfully, I am influenced by that when I'm with her. Again from Gendler, "My friends, with their vision and their language, enlarge my world, help me see beauty, give me my eyes."

Back to my original point about changing yourself first, there are two things I've found to be the greatest catalysts for changing my own mind. The first is self awareness, or more directly, learning to really see who we are and who we are not. Remember how I said we only have control over a small part of the world? Until we really understand ourselves, we can pretty much kiss goodbye any chance we have of controlling even that. By being self aware we can act with purpose instead of reacting, and that's the second thing I've found to be a great catalyst for change: being purposeful.

In other posts, I've talked about strengths or talents and how learning to use them is important to me. This is why. Knowing more about my natural tendencies and what they mean helps me choose my actions and control my reactions in ways that are better for me. The changes in me produced by this self awareness have had a significant effect on the world around me. I believe (and this is not an original thought) that we are happiest when we are doing what comes most naturally to us. When we are using our strengths in positive ways, we are at greater peace with ourselves and that extends to the world.

I read a blog post earlier today where the person is trying to understand the reason he does things and why he can't find happiness. (Read it for yourself at livethedharma.com.) I can't say how long I've been trying to do the same thing, and in my attempts I've looked at some of the same philosophies, like Buddhism. At first I couldn't quite understand the Buddhist teachings that talk about letting go and not being attached to things. It seemed like the ultimate goal was becoming numb or inhuman, but pulling back from all that and looking at the middle way from a wider perspective, it's easier for me to understand and for me to reconcile with other beliefs.

The middle way is really about balance and acceptance. I think of the serenity prayer ... Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Serenity without courage is apathy. Courage without serenity is stubbornness. Without wisdom, you have futility.

What I cannot change about myself at this point are my natural strengths. These things come naturally to me because of synaptic connections in my brain and Lord knows what other complex programming hardwired into me by my maker. I have to accept these things, study them and use them more effectively in my life to create happiness and peace. Conversely, I have to accept the talents I do not have, study them and find ways to manage around them with the tools I do have. Both are required to achieve balance, and both require really learning to see.

I'll close with one final thought from Notes on the Need for Beauty:
"Through attention and study, empathy and imagination, we appreciate how partial our seeing is, how many other ways there are to see, how much beauty we see, and how much beauty we don't see."

I'm just not that kinda gal

I don't like horror movies. Never have. And I've seen enough to know I'm not making any assumptions or judging too quickly. I love action and even suspense movies, but the horror genre, particularly the slasher flick, is lost on me. Unfortunately, I married a die-hard fan of all things creepy, scary, twisted and gross.

I often tell my husband he is the luckiest man in the world. I don't nag or tell him what to do. I always let him drive and have the remote. Hell, I love football more than he does, and I either like or at least don't mind any other sport. His affection for horror movies is the only one I don't share or at least tolerate. I love my husband, and I love being a part of things that excite him. Rob Zombie movies, most recently the Halloween remakes, have him giddy as a school boy.

When I was in high school Halloween 5 came out. I'd never liked Freddy or Jason movies, but everyone got all excited about this new movie, so I figured I'd give it a try. Michael Myers as a character isn't quite like the other two anyway. Before seeing #5, my best friend and I watched the first four Halloween movies in order over a weekend with our boyfriends. That's when I realized that other horror movies had never really scared me. I'd been more grossed out and startled more than anything.

Michael Myers, on the other hand, scared the ever-living shit out of me, and he still does.

There is no other way to put it. Something about the white mask and the coveralls and the steady way he unceasingly stalked through the movie silently was by far the scariest thing I'd ever seen. The weekend after seeing #5, I had to babysit of course! My boyfriend, who was a typical teenage boy (jackass), thought it would be hysterical to come scare me. He brought my best friend's boyfriend, and they scratched the windows behind me while I watched TV. I stayed calm, but quickly put the kids to be and proceeded to turn on every light inside and outside the house. The doors were already locked, and once I was sure nothing was inside the house, I calmed down. Piece of cake.

Then, they tapped on the door thinking they'd jump out from behind the bushes to scare me when I opened it. What they didn't know is my mother has raised me to NEVER open a door without looking out a window to see who's there. Forget the peep hole.I ended up being the one giving the scare when I opened the door and yelled for them to get up immediately or I was was coming out after them. Ha!

I saw the first remake of Halloween last year with my husband and was actually a bit disappointed. This new movie was pretty good in terms of story, but Zombie gave Myers more of a back story. With the increased depth to the character, he wasn't scary any more. I actually felt sorry for him. Someone must have told Mr. Zombie how I felt about his take on Myers, because he certainly went out of his way to rectify the situation in this second remake.

Hubby couldn't wait to see the movie, but he also knows if he wants more than a snowball's chance in hell to get me to the theater for this event, it had better be daylight. Thus, at 9:30AM today, we sat at the AMC theater in Tysons Corner for the nearly empty showing.

I made a couple of mistakes here, besides the obvious of going in the first place. While morning movies avoid crowds and are cheaper, it's best to stick with movies that are less jarring to the senses. This was too much volume too early. It was also a bit more graphic detail than expected or wanted first thing, especially if you'd like to keep your breakfast down.

The movie itself was fine. As an artist, I can appreciate others' art even if it's not my taste. The story was nothing like the original, but like the first remake, it had more of a story than I remember from the original. Really nice twist near the end. The cinematography was incredible. It really added to the movie. The special effects were very realistic -- not sure that really helped MY viewing experience. The soundtrack was good. The sound effects were more realistic that he visual effects though, and I definitely didn't need that.

The grand total? If you like slasher flicks, you'll love this movie. It's not just brainless killing of anything that walks by, but you'll definitely dig the squish, crunch and blood factor. Want proof? I've been home more than an hour. I've still got a headache, was barely able to eat a piece of toast due to nausea and probably won't sleep well for a week. Not sure what more of a pedigree a horror movie could want.

I'm just not the horror movie kinda gal. My husband will have to live with me wanting to watch the NFL draft and play fantasy football. I love that man more than anything in the world, but for the next one, he's on his own.

If reading was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

Exercising your mind should have positive effects on your body. When I was a kid, I was all about being outside and running around and doing something physical. As I've aged, I've become more intellectual than physical. I'm a voracious reader. I'm reading 5 books right now. If that qualified as exercise, I'd be in the best shape. Right now, I can run a mental marathon, and I'd be able to run a real one!

Thought for the day and one of my favorite quotes

"Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with power-trippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep, and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to. When she walks, it is clear she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she was stern were not lying, they just forgot to mention she was kind."

-J. Ruth Gendler

If you have not read Gendler's work, I highly recommend:
The Book of Qualities
Notes on the Need for Beauty

Always learning ...

I've been on a search to better understand myself and what makes me tick for most of my life. Even as a kid, I wanted to understand what I was and how that compared to others. I knew I was different, and it took quite a while for me to decide that was OK and in some ways it was really a good thing. I've never stopped wanting to know more though, and I've gotten to a level of detail now that I feel like I'm on the cusp of the next evolution of who I am to become in this life. I can almost feel the pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

I had the most fabulous conversation with a Gallup Strengths Coach, Darrell. As a part of our company's training, we all found out our top five talents as I've talked about before. Today, we talked a bit more about those top 5 and then got into how they interact with each other and how I unknowingly use one to balance another at times. Finding ways to make things work together to maximize the whole is a huge part of what I do everyday at work. It's satisfying work, and applying those same principles to myself and my development is all the more so.

Darrell pointed out one of a person's top talents usually will cause some trouble for them. Responsibility is the troublemaker for me. I tend to take on too much responsibility. Not necessarily meaning too many tasks, but the degree to which I feel responsible for things can be a bit extreme. It's been the single biggest source of stress in my entire life. I've definitely had to learn to establish boundaries, and my Strategic theme helps balance it. I've found creative ways, using Strategic, to allow myself to trust others and let go in places that make sense.

We talked more about Strategic, too. I've had to learn also to accept that my brain is wired a bit differently than most people. I think about possibilities, and I see the potential for barriers on the horizon before others 99% of the time. By the time others see the coming pothole, I'm working on or already have a solution. If I allow myself to be impatient I end up either frustrated or rushing others to catch up. Neither is productive, and if I rush to point out pitfalls to others, it can come across as negative. That's far from what I really am. Like I said, I think about possibilities ... a lot.

Every strength has an upside and a downside. It's a matter of how the strength is used. It's imperative, if any of this information is to be useful, to become more self aware and purposeful in our actions. Responsibility has the potential to be an issue for me, and Strategic can come off the wrong way. So how to I manage each to make them true strengths and not barriers to success?

The really interesting part of my conversation with Darrell came with learning more about talents number six (Command) and seven (Restorative). They certainly rounded out the collection and explained a few more things. Simply put, Command leads a person to take charge, and Restorative is a love of solving problems. Turns out that Command helps drives my Strategic talent and helps ground Responsibility. Restorative completes Strategic and makes great use of Input.

Some additional insight I learned today has to do with the three of my top five that are more drivers than than the other two. Strategic, Responsibility and Achiever all drive me to certain behaviors. Input and Learner support or enhance the actions I take. The three drivers all have one thing in common -- freedom. I like the freedom to think big thoughts and develop ideas. Being hemmed in intellectually frustrates and exhausts me. I also like the freedom to accept Responsibility for things that matter to me. Finally, I like the freedom to work in a way that allows me to accomplish things and mark them off my to-do list. This desire to be free in these ways plays a role in why I am or am not satisfied in whatever I undertake.

I believe that we are each a sum our our parts, that is our strengths and weakness and experiences. All of these themes are a part of me, and they all work together to balance each other, heighten each other and manage each other. The key is being aware of them and learning to use them all to their full capacity. Who knows where my next adventure will take me, but learning more about myself, what drives me, what satisfies me and what completes me can only make me better at anything I undertake.

I know that feeling

I am a kite ready to fly.
Tether is ready.
Roll out the line.
Lift, tension and drag,
Force me into the wind.
Aerial ballet.
Please don't reel me in.



I've always given freely of myself and with few, if any limits. I've heard more than once that I go too far and need to set boundaries on what I'm willing to give of myself. I know in theory this is fact, but it's something I've struggled to do. I can never seem to give enough, even to the point that I forget to leave something for me.

Today, something made me think of flying a kite, and a whole new image came to mind that finally made me see what I might be missing by giving so much. I'll never stop giving, but this new image gave me new reason for reevaluating how much I give and the need for balance.

The structure of a kite is both strong and flexible. One without the other won't fly. As free and floating as the kite seems in the air, it's only because of the tension in the line that the kite will get into the air at all. It's all about balance.

I thought more about the physics of flying a kite, and a metaphor was born. Life runs along trying to create the necessary opposing forces of drag and lift that allow and maintain flight. The more string I let out the faster life has to run to create the tension needed for me to fly. By giving in a more controlled and balanced way, I allow life to move at a more sustainable rate while I soar.

Here's to compassion. Here's to heart. Here's to giving ... but only a part.

Photo safari

I've always loved taking pictures. As I've gotten older, I've only grown to love it more. I took photography in college, and I know so many talented togs (short for photographers). As much as I like taking pictures with my old Pentax K1000 and black/white film, I love the abandon I can snap pictures with my digital camera. Developing film and printing photos is a wonderful sensory experience, but I also love the control and flexibility of digitally manipulating photos. I've been using Photoshop for more than 15 years, and I can do damn near anything with it. I guess the best thing about photography these days is having the best of both worlds if you want it.

What has changed in the way I take pictures over time has been my subjects and the reasons I pic a subject. When I was younger, photos were a way to capture memories -- I was always afraid I would forget something. I also liked finding ways to surprise people and catch them with a funny look on their face. A little obnoxious as I look back, but water under the bridge. Now, my pictures are more about looking at ordinary or familiar shots from a different point of view or in a new way. I look for ways to use color, texture, perspective and scale.

Twice in the past couple of weeks, I've ventured out with my friends Felicia and Bryton on photo safaris. First, we went to Eastern Market in Washington, DC, to look at fruits and veggies and flowers. This weekend, we went to the National Zoo. Not sure where we'll head next, but it's sure these will not be our last outing.

Here are a few links to some of my favorite photographer friends:
Eric L. Smith
Kevin Rogers
Jodi Gersh
Eamon Robinson

Google Forced to Reveal Identity of Offensive Blogger

Google Forced to Reveal Identity of Offensive Blogger (Posted using ShareThis)

I have a couple of thoughts here, and I haven't really reconciled them all with each other yet.

1. If you are going to go on a reality TV show, be ready for people to talk trash about you. This is nothing new. People have been vilified on reality TV from the beginning, remember Omarosa, so be ready for it and don't be a wimp about it.

2. If you are going to contribute to the public forum, for good or bad, be willing to put your name on it. Few things are so cowardly as to hide while saying nasty things about someone. Would you say it to their face? (I'm going to be no.) If not, don't say it.

3. I'm not going to even get into whether the blog has any real purpose or if the girl should even pay attention, much less call attention to it. There seem to be some serious issues on both sides there. Therapy can be a good thing.

4. The judge is starting down a slippery slope. Forcing Google to out someone is a scary thought, especially for something relatively superficial. (It's not like this was a matter of national security.) It's been pointed out often that Google has access to an amazing amount of personal information. What precedent is the judge setting by forcing them to reveal any of it?

5. Compassion is powerful, and more people should practice it. Why waste energy being mean?

10 Reasons to Love "10 Things I Hate About You"

1. Heath Ledger before he broke his back or went crazy.
2. GREAT soundtrack.
3. Unpretentious modernization of Taming of the Shrew.
3. Letters to Cleo!
4. Larry Miller as the dad.
5. Kat's poem.*
6. Intellectual insults: "You're not as vile as I thought you were."
7. Patrick's serenade.
8. Random lines from the play thrown in.
9. Really cool high school.
10. "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"


I've always loved Shakespeare. Othello was the first play I read. Romeo and Juliet is usually what high school English teachers go for first, but not mine. She jumped right into the good stuff, and I fell in love. It wasn't so much about Othello or Desdemona or Casio. It was Iago, one of the most dynamic and thrilling villains ever written. I read the other staples, Hamlet, King Lear, Macbeth. When I got to college, I minored in English, and all but one class was in British Lit. Needless to say, I read a lot of Shakespeare. No one quite brought it to life like Dr. Stillman. Dr. Stillman didn't teach Shakespeare; he performed. I'd put his King Lear up against anyone at the Globe. It was in Dr. Stillman's class that I read my favorite play, The Tempest. I loved exploring the relationship of man and his art vs. nature. Taming of the Shrew gives an intimate look at the interpersonal relationships and the manipulations humans can contrive. In a way, it's sad that it's taken the rash of modernized versions of Shakespeare's works to bring the powerful stories to a broader audience, but I'm glad that more people have gotten to experience the genius of Shakespeare. Of all these movies, 10 Things I Hate About You is my favorite.


* I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Just win

(Part 5 of 5: Strengthsfinder results)
A little about ACHIEVER in general:
People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive. Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive. Achiever describes a constant need for achievement. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by “every day” you mean every single day—workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a day of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied. You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more. After each accomplishment is reached, the fire dwindles for a moment, but very soon it rekindles itself, forcing you toward the next accomplishment. Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical. It might not even be focused. But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. It does have its benefits. It brings you the energy you need to work long hours without burning out. It is the jolt you can always count on to get you started on new tasks, new challenges. It is the power supply that causes you to set the pace and define the levels of productivity for your work group. It is the theme that keeps you moving.

About me specifically:
It’s very likely that you might have strong powers of concentration. When necessary, you might reduce plans, processes, or mechanisms into their fundamental parts. Perhaps your methodical approach frees you to understand how and why certain things do or do not operate properly. Driven by your talents, you habitually bring together all sorts of information so you can refer to it later. At the instant you collect a fact, example, story, or piece of data, typically you are eager to use it. You trust it is valuable. Your fascination with knowledge has probably been part of you even before you formed the words to ask your first question. Instinctively, you sometimes feel good about yourself and life in general when you exhibit the self-discipline to apply all your energy -- mental and physical -- to a particular job, assignment, goal, or obligation. Chances are good that you diligently spend time working to compensate for your real or perceived shortcomings, limitations, or flaws. Self-improvement activities rank quite high on your list of personal or professional goals. Because of your strengths, you set very high expectations for yourself. Typically you push yourself until you reach your goals. You are not content unless you deliver the best performance or produce the most outstanding results.

I take full responsibility

(Part 4 of 5: Strengthsfinder results)
A little bit about RESPONSIBILITY in general:
People strong in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty. Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

About me specifically:
By nature, you volunteer for additional duties. You really enjoy being given authority over projects, individuals, or groups. You expect to be held accountable for the results you produce as well as your words and deeds. Instinctively, you yearn to be given additional duties. You expect to be held accountable for your productivity, profit, behavior, comments, and actions. Driven by your talents, you might be happier as a solo performer. Certain people may value the painstaking approach you take when working on assignments or striving toward a goal. Because of your strengths, you may prefer to produce results on your own. Perhaps you assume total ownership for doing whatever you promised you would do. Chances are good that you willingly assume moral, legal, and mental accountability for people, processes, or assignments. Your outward behavior demonstrates your reliability. Others view you as a person who can be trusted to follow through on commitments.

Knowledge is power

(Part 3 of 5: Strengthsfinder results)
A little bit about LEARNER in general:
People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them. You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

About me specifically:
Instinctively, you are attracted to difficult and challenging endeavors. You are not inclined to look for the easy way out. You are bold. You take risks. You dare to stretch your mind. You test the limits of your abilities in ways that timid individuals would not attempt. Because of your strengths, you can block out distractions when you are working or studying. You are seldom pulled away from a task. You probably desire to understand ahead of time what needs to be done. You also expect to receive background briefings and/or a list of a project's criteria. Armed with this information, you move closer to your goal. With ease and certitude -- that is, having no doubts -- you determine what is and is not important to know about an activity, event, or project. Driven by your talents, you are motivated to continually acquire knowledge and skills. Discovering new ways to use your talents energizes you. You are likely to escape from situations and avoid people who want you to keep doing what you already know how to do well. Maintaining an intellectual status quo is unacceptable to you. It’s very likely that you are comfortable offering suggestions to people who regularly seek your counsel -- that is, recommendations about a decision or course of action they are considering. These individuals usually feel deep affection for you. You are likely to spend time together socializing as well as working or studying. By nature, you treasure books and other publications because they are rich sources of information. You regard the printed word as a gateway to a vast world of new ideas. Your quest to interpret events, grasp facts, or understand concepts appears limitless. Frequently you read to broaden your perspective on very familiar, as well as altogether unfamiliar, topics.

Strategically speaking

(Part 2 of 5: Strengthsfinder results)
A little bit about STRATEGIC in general:
People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues. The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

About me specifically:
Instinctively, you occasionally marvel at your ability to vividly express your thoughts and feelings. Driven by your talents, you might have a knack for identifying problems. You might generate alternatives for solving them. Sometimes you consider the pros and cons of each option. Perhaps you factor into your thinking prevailing circumstances or available resources. Maybe you feel life is good when you think you may be choosing the best course of action. Chances are good that you are innovative, inventive, original, and resourceful. Your mind allows you to venture beyond the commonplace, the familiar, or the obvious. You entertain ideas about the best ways to reach a goal, increase productivity, or solve a problem. First, you think of alternatives. Then you choose the best option. Because of your strengths, you occasionally demonstrate an ease with language. Sometimes you effortlessly verbalize your thoughts. You might delight in the opportunity to share your insights. Maybe you derive exceptional pleasure from actively participating in conversations as long as group members propose ideas, seek solutions, or debate issues. It’s very likely that you may see solutions before other people know there is a problem. You might start formulating answers before your teammates, coworkers, or classmates understand the question. Sometimes you generate numerous ideas before sorting to the one that makes the most sense in a particular situation.

As Johnny 5 said, "Input!"

"Need input."

(Part 1 of 5: Strengthsfinder results)
A little about INPUT in general:
People strong in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information. You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

About me specifically:
Driven by your talents, you are devoted to reading books, publications, or correspondence that uses many of the sophisticated, difficult-to-understand, or technical words you know. You have discovered that your vocabulary is a linguistic powerhouse. The ease with which you insert these terms into everyday speech or writing places you in a dominant position in others' minds. These words give you an air of authority that compels people to do what you say or accept your views. Chances are good that you probably are a well-read individual. Reading is one of your favorite pastimes. Undoubtedly, the information you gather benefits you as a person and as a professional. You desire to be regarded by others as a knowledgeable, believable, and accomplished individual. You dislike being thought of as run-of-the-mill -- that is, common or average. By nature, you may pay close attention to intelligent conversations. Perhaps you give credit to certain individuals who make key points that advance everyone's understanding of a particular theory, concept, or idea. Sometimes you file away or make a mental note about specific information, knowing it might be useful one day. Instinctively, you periodically engage in conversations that might allow you to showcase some of your knowledge on a wide range of topics or in a particular area of specialization. Because of your strengths, you are attracted to the printed word. Each discovery raises new questions. Each insight enables you to forge linkages between facts, statements, events, or data. The more you read, the more you know -- but the more you know, the more you realize what else you need to know. Through reading, you acquire knowledge and gain new skills. You feel happy when you are blossoming -- that is, coming into your own.

Who am I?

I believe the key to being a better leader, a better wife, a better me, is knowing as much as I can about who I am and who I am not. To that end, I have looked at the MBTI, studied various religions and philosophies and read about right vs. left brained thinking.

What have I learned?

I'm an ENTJ (Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging). And can I tell you how much it helped to learn what makes me a "J"!
I don't believe in organized religion. I believe the greatest gift is to love and to be loved in return. Compassion, wisdom, strength and beauty are the true miracles. I will strive to be a Bodhisattva.
I am a strange combination of right and left brain thinking, more right than left, but unmistakably both.

It's not everything, but it's a start. At work, management introduced a new training program two years ago, and I've found it useful in filling some of the gaps, especially in terms of what I am good at and what I enjoy. Even before the program was introduced, I'd bought and read First, Break All The Rules, a book by Gallup Press. It focused on 12 basic questions that help gauge employees' engagement at work. That led to Now, Discover Your Strengths and the Strengthsfinder test. Strengthsfinder is the basis for the Strengths Every Day training launched at work. I was fascinated by the underlying research and even more fascinated by what I read about my top five strengths: Input, Strategic, Learner, Responsibility and Achiever.

To start, the fact that I'd already taken the test, read the books and could explain about synaptic connections and the role they play in our natural talents -- even before the training at work was launched -- became clear when I read about "Input." Everyone got a good laugh at that in the first training meeting.

I've often said to people that I am an open book. You may not understand what you read, but I have nothing to hide. I'll share some of the details about my top five strengths. You may see some of yourself in them. Maybe they'll inspire you to learn more about yourself through whatever tools you find most useful. Before I talk more about my strengths (also called talents or themes), it's important to note that each has it's own characteristics, but the combination of them and the order they're in play a big role in how they apply to each person. Like I said, I believe the way to become a better person altogether is to learn what I am. Maybe I'll talk more later about what I'm not. I'll have to check on how big the Internet really is first.

(Note: I'm not affiliated with any book, author, program, or anything else I talk about in this blog. This is just me and my opinions.)

The Proposal

(Originally posted on rachelandjoe2008.com)
When I graduated from college I designed my own invitations with a flying pig on the front and a disclaimer that anyone attending might want to wear a hard hat because the sky might fall. Well, get the hard hats out again ...

In October, we went to Knoxville for the annual alumni awards dinner and South Carolina game. At the end of the night, I’d come home with more than one piece of hardware. UTNAA awarded our chapter a gold medal, and Joe gave me something of the platinum and diamond variety! Yes, we’ve already heard it more than once, “It’s about damn time!” After the awards dinner, we went up to Circle Park to look at the Torchbearer and take some pictures of it at night. The weather was perfect, and there was a rather large full moon in a very clear sky. We took a seat on one of the park benches that runs along the path behind the Torchbearer to enjoy the evening for a bit.

Either Joe is the most stealth person alive or I’m completely clueless (NO NEED FOR COMMENTS!) because I had no idea what he was doing! We were on campus and dressed up for entirely different reasons, and I always want to go see the Torchbearer statue, so nothing seemed out of line. He was completely calm and even ate all of his dinner. He said he had a present for me and he wanted me to wear it to the game the next day. I’m thinking funny hat or a T-shirt, but when I opened my eyes, there was a box in my favorite shade of blue sitting in my hands. (When he said hold out both hands, I asked him if it was a puppy.) I’m no stranger to Tiffany boxes — Joe has excellent taste in jewelry — but this one didn’t have the usual blue pouch in it. The black suede box threw me off, but my oblivion persisted. Go figure! When I open the box, I was speechless (again, no need for comments). Joe was grinning from ear to ear, and of course, I said yes.

I don’t think Joe could have picked a more perfect place to propose. Knoxville is where we met and were friends for years before we ever thought about dating, much less getting married. I’ve always loved the Torchbearer, and Circle Park is so quiet and nice at night. There wasn’t a soul around, so it was just me and Joe — somehow, that’s how it’s always managed to end up, just me and Joe — back where it all started. Perfect.

Apparently, Joe has been working on this for some time and went to great pains to make sure no one knew it was coming, especially me! He researched and shopped for months before picking my ring. He told me that he’d looked at a lot of rings, but he bought this one because it’s perfectly colorless and perfectly flawless. He said this is something that we’re only going to do once, so it has to be the best. It’s forever. ... My sentiments exactly.

Social Security

(originally posted Dec 21, 2008 on payitforward21days.blogspot.com)
I got married back in May, and it's taken me forever to get my name changed in all the places I need. Who knew there could be such an obstacle course of red tape and bullshit. Anyway, I had to go to my local SSA office to file the paper work to get my name changed on my social security card. This is a pretty important place to a lot of people, so I think it would be nice if the location were more clearly marked to begin. I was aiming to be there right at 9am when they open, but I missed the building and had to back track to find it. What a sad place.

If it's not bad enough that you have to take a number and wait for Lord knows how long, they could cheer the place up a bit, ya know? washed out pale blue/gray walls do not inspire happiness. When you walk in, you have to use a touch screen monitor to choose the purpose of your visit and take a number. There is a "guard" there, but I wouldn't put much stock in him keeping anything from happening, except maybe someone from smiling. What a grump, but I'd probably be too if I had his job. So I take my number and sit down.

A bit later, I hear the grump telling someone they have to sign in on the touch screen to get a number. When I turn around I see an elderly black couple standing inside the door. The man is obviously blind, and the woman has glasses. She's trying to walk up to the front to get help when the grump stops her. She doesn't lose her cool as she tells him she can't see that touch screen because she has cataracts. Instead of helping the couple or at least showing some compassion, the grump calls over his radio for someone to come help these people that can't see.

Chance to pay it forward! I immediately hopped up and told the lady, I'd read the screen to her if she didn't mind telling me which reason she was at the office. Hers was at the bottom of the screen of course, but she was so grateful to have someone help her. I gave them their ticket and told them several times the number to listen for: C400. They repeated it, and she tried to look at the ticket. I could have cried watching her hold that piece of paper an inch from her glasses trying to make out the letters and numbers. She still couldn't see it, but they told me they remembered.

Amazingly at this point, the grump decided to be helpful and said in a more gentle tone, that someone would call their name from the door which I then pointed out to them. A little later they were trying to remember their number again, so I took a pen out of my purse and wrote the number in large letters for her on the top of her ticket. "Oh, that's perfect. I can see that!" I just smiled.

I am a fully capable, intelligent adult. College educated and world traveled. I got lost going to the SSA office! The couple I helped somehow, and Lord only knows by what will they did it, got to that office -- one of them blind, the other legally blind, him with a cane and neither moving very easily! I am continually amazed at the resiliency of the human body, mind and spirit.

I was trying to help the elderly couple, pay it forward, but that only counts if you're not getting something in return, and those 2 strangers gave me one hell of a lesson in life. Even when the lady at the counter asked me for ID in my OLD name, which I no longer have because changing my name has been the whole point of the hoops I've been jumping though, I just smiled, showed her the myriad identification documents I did have and asked kindly what our other solutions were. I didn't get upset at the inanity of the request. The elderly couple had been called to the back, and I could see them from my window. I was patient as the woman helping me went to clarify with a supervisor that in fact I did not need ID in my old name.

I was there a grand total of less than an hour. It was easier than the DMV. I've been frustrated, impatient and generally angry and a grump myself lately. I've gotten caught up in the things that aren't going right in my life. OK, so that's 99% my job. I've always believed that people come into and out of our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes those "people" are angels passing by to help get us back on the right track.

I met of them on Tuesday at the Social Security Administration office in Alexandria, VA.

True enlightenment

To have the heart of a Bodhisattva. Simplicity. Clarity. Honesty. Peace. To live in the now without regret of the past or worry about the future. These are the things I seek to master.

Froot Loops are my favorite!

The crunchy, frooty goodness is perfect all day.

Froot Loops

Do you really need an excuse?!

One of the funniest things I've ever heard

I've misunderstood lyrics and heard some strange things other people have missed. This one has to take the cake! I heard a girls singing "Big ol' Jed left a light on ..." I nearly wet my pants laughing!

Jetairliner by Steve Miller

A piece of me

I don't believe in any organized religion. Never have really. It doesn't make sense to me. I read a lot of philosophy. I study psychology (a lot through my own therapy.). I read about how modern religions trace back to ancient myths (Joseph Campbell mostly). I don't relate to many people because I'm not sure I'm even wired for it. I always feel distant. It's been hard for me to find my place and try to understand how I fit into this world. I'm empathic far beyond the norm, and I'm not even sure how to use most of what I feel. I an certain that the answer lies somewhere in the chemistry of my brain though. I'll either figure it out, come upon someone else who can tell me or I'll become a true Bodhisattva and it won't matter. ;) Either way, I am what I am, and that's OK. Somewhere inside, I feel like I'm meant for more than what and where I am, but we'll see what happens. I may just be trying to live up to my dad. Only time will tell.

I give a lot and I expect a lot in return.

authenticity
I am who I am, and I expect nothing more or less of a friend. Life's too short for games.

honesty
If you can't be honest with your friends and expect the same from them, what do you have anyway?

generosity
Of mind. Of spirit.

compassion
A person who cannot be compassionate to other people and animals is no true friend.

accountability
I cannot abide someone who does not know and practice accountability in all parts of their life.

Without a doubt, I'm a dog person.

As someone famous said, I'd love to be the person my dog thinks I am. Dogs are loving and affectionate, and they represent the very best we are all capable of being.

Only top volume will do

For very different reasons each of these songs speak to me, but each says more at full volume.

Hysteria by Muse

Mayonaise by Smashing Pumpkins

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

Lesson of a lifetime

If you love your life the way it is, you have to accept the path that got you there as the right one. If you go back and change one thing in your past, you could change where you end up. Of all the things I might do differently in hindsight, I love my life right now too much to take anything back.

Hindsight is 20/20, but ...

I believe that the sum of my experiences has resulted in the person I am and the life I have. I love my life, so I can't very well go back and change things without risking changing my present. Not an option.

Oh, the things I would love to do to my house.

We bought our house almost a year ago, and we've made some good improvements. Over time, I want to make a few changes.

We have a very narrow back yard across the back of the house. I'd like to make it into an outdoor living room, so it's more useful. I want to add on a garage, too. If I could find a way to get a porch on the front or the side, that would be awesome!

Scars? This could take a while.

I've got more scars than I can really list. Some of them I've forgotten how I got them. I was truly one of the most accident prone kids to ever live. Still am to some degree. This is my most memorable.

Pinky takes a dip by andy_c

Every kid has that one bad bike wreck. Mine required 2 hours of plastic surgery to put my chin back on. It was on my 12th birthday. The inside of my chin has plasticy stuff in it.



I was at my grandparents' house. Mom was at a conference for teachers. Even though I was with my sister, 2 grandparents, an aunt, uncle and cousin, the ER would not touch me until they got permission from my mom. They called the event where she was, and she was so hysterical on the phone the nurses had to pull the phone into my curtain area for me to talk to her and calm her down. It was late, so I convinced her to wait until morning to come home.



The doc that did the surgery was quite proud of himself. Every time I went to his office for a check up afterward (he was an ENT specialist, too), he would bring other docs and nurses in to check out my chin.



I guess what makes this such a pivotal moment for me is that because the ER wouldn't treat me without mom's permission I had to have a note with me from her when I was spending the night with friends or going on a church trip until I turned 18. My close friends' parents and my family all had copies, too, just in case. Mortifying to be sure.

Old places certainly have more character.

Talk about a moment frozen in time.

Pompeii was mind blowing. The level of preservation is amazing. You can see frescoes that have been uncovered that are still vibrant. Got to see an orignal sample of Pompeii Red. I've been to Roman ruins in Rome and London, too, so I'm not sure which of all these would be the oldest. Oh, and the catacombs at the Vatican. Hmmm. I've never been one for dates.

This describes me pretty well.

"But your standards may be more exacting than anyone else's, even though you may believe that you're going easy on everyone. Remember, striving for perfection is admirable, but make sure to allow room for being human."

What am I afraid of?

My boss once told me that she was comforted to find out there is something I'm afraid of because I seem so fearless.

I wasn't afraid of snakes as a young kid really, but as I got older, it turned into an outright phobia. I can't watch animated movies with snakes or even see a picture of one.



I'm afraid of sharks, too, but it's no where near as severe as my phobia of snakes. Kinda getting the creepies just writing this. Must stop.

A day without a cell phone? Yeah right!

Not without having a panic attack when I realized I didn't have it.

Chocolate chip cookies always soothes me when I'm stressed

chocolate chip cookie by darwin Bell (Darwin Bell)

Chocolate chip cookies, mac and cheese, pizza, beer, mashed potatoes ... I obviously want carbs for comfort.

Oh the possibilities!

Responsible me would immediately send it to pay a bill. Not so responsible me would buy the funky expensive wall covering I want for my corner of the basement!

Check out Piazza San Marco when you're in Venice, Italy.

Stepping off the water taxi at San Marco feels like stepping off a time machine into another time and place. The art and architecture are amazing. The first time I walked into the basilica, I cried at the beauty of the mosaic ceilings. The second time I went, I spent several hours taking pictures of the basilica and square. I couldn't get enough, and as good as some of my pics were, nothing could really capture the magic.

Tights might be a little warm in the jungle.

Queen of the Jungle

I would be able to converse with animals (I like them better than people anyway), as well as climb trees expertly, fly with my bird friends of course and swim like a fish. I would be immune to stress and would have a talent for keeping order and tame wild beasts. I would be perfectly in tune with nature and the balance of the universe. Oh, and I wouldn't ever get another mosquito bite, ever.

If I could tame a wild animal ...

I've always wanted a really big cat or a bear, but I'd settle for having my miniature chocolate dachshund tamed. No more eating the rug, the furniture, eye glasses, clothes. No more incessant, needless, ear-splitting, head-cracking barking! Peace at last.