Never enough

Crazy by Gnarles Barkley
Songwriters: Burton, Brian Joseph; Callaway, Thomas Decarlo; Reverberi, Gian Piero; Reverberi, Gianfranco

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

---

I can relate to this song in many ways on any given day, but today, I can only wonder about these lines:

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

I don't remember a time in my life when I haven't had the overwhelming urge to help people. Nothing makes me happier than being able to do something for someone, the more "impossible," or over-the-top the more amazing I feel. I go to great lengths, even ridiculous lengths. I take on too much and keep giving and doing until there's nothing left. It never seems to be enough.

My dad was a captain in the 101st Airborne 326th Mediacal Battalion, a medievac pilot. He saved people. He was killed in a helicopter in exactly that pursuit, exactly 32 years ago today. I was two and a half years old. It doesn't take a Ph D in psychology to think there could be a connection.

I've be to therapy to deal with the fallout of being a "child of trauma." I know that, in particular, the loss of a parent at an early age has almost unimaginable effects on the psyche, unless you've lived it. I grew up too early, took on responsibilities beyond my age and warped my sense of connection to others, especially those my own age. This one seemingly, blatantly obvious link to losing my dad and my behavior should be a slam dunk. Of course they're related. But ...

I just don't feel it. I've never known what drives me to do the things I do. I help people and give of myself in an attempt to fill something inside. I've had to learn balance, so as not to overextend myself. I've had to become weary of those who would take advantage of me. I've also assumed that when I come across the reason for all this I'll know it.

Maybe I'm just an adrenaline junky who feeds off of "saving" others. Maybe I'd be this way no matter what my childhood had been. Maybe I just missed my calling when I went to art school, and I should have been a paramedic or a cop or a fireman. Something a little less obvious would be more my style. Emergency management or something like that would have been better.

I'm the one who stays calm. The higher the stakes, the more pressure, the better I get. Currently, that talent is being put to use under the deadlines and chaos of publishing, marketing, digital strategy and management. My job and the rest of my life are a mental marathon, but I'm still looking for a bigger challenge.

So when will it be enough? When will I be satisfied that I've done enough? For now, all I know is I have to keep looking for the magical combination that will feed my soul. I know part of the recipe will be giving, solving puzzles/problems and making the world a better place. I'll find a way to align my life. All of its parts will follow the middle way. I will be a Bodhisattva, and Crazy will be a thing of the past.