I feel like a teenager again

I'd love to say, "I feel like a teenager," because I'm feeling young or energized or some other reason. The truth is I feel gawky, awkward, out of balance, unsure. It's like my arms and legs are too long. I'm uncoordinated. My mind can't quite gain control over my limbs, my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions or my frustration.

I'm trying to look at this period as one of growth. That's most of the reason we were all so crazed at teenagers; we were growing and developing so quickly. I'm hoping that I'm on the verge of taking the next, however painful, steps in my evolution.

In the meantime, I find myself reacting in ways I know I don't want to, but can't stop. I want to be calm and graceful in my communication and actions and thoughts, but I'm screaming and thrashing around like a wild woman. I can't find my center, that part of me that slows my reaction and quickens my perception, that part of my mind that sees so clearly and so far that everything coming at me seems to be in slow motion, giving me the time and presence of mind to choose more wisely.

I found a way to get comfortable in my own skin several years ago. I found answers of self and mind and spirit that sooth my soul. I'm no longer afraid of what others think of me. I understand perception and know it's necessary to manage it from time to time, but all in all, I'm me. Most importantly, I'm OK with who I am. I'm smart. I'm compassionate. I'm goofy and often clumsy. I understand highly complex concepts and remain baffled by some of the simplest. I have a strange sense of humor. I'm fearless in as many things as I can manage. I don't have all the answers, but I know how to find as many as I can and make the most of them. I'll figure it out, whatever it is. Being comfortable in all this has given me confidence that seems to intimidate others at times, a thought that I find absolutely laughable! How could anyone be intimidated by my goofy ass!?

In my own skin, I'm doing great. It's in the rest of the world I'm uncomfortable and can't seem to get anything right. I'm being taken in ways I don't intend, and what's worse is I can't figure out where the wires got crossed! What is going on? I feel like an alien walking in a strange land, and it's a cramped, suffocating place.

Maybe I'm a plant that's outgrown it's pot. Maybe my pot has finally cracked. Whatever the case, I have faith I'll work it out. I'll find the next set of answers that I need, the next place where I'll thrive. I just hope I get it done before I drive myself (and everyone else) crazy.